24 POINTS ONLY A LONDONER WOULD UNDERSTAND

I am a Londoner born and bred. I find London is so unique and a great place to be and most people come to London with the intention of making it a 5 month- 1 year MAXIMUM experience. Then before you know it… BOOM its been 5 years or more and you too are now an adopted Londoner. So I know you will get where I’m coming from.

Only A Londoner would understand…

1. Slow walkers are the enemy.
You know, we all have somewhere to go and I honestly don’t know what is worse in general. People who walk at that constant snail pace OR slow walkers who suddenly come to a halt totally ruining your London pace momentum.  

2. How we like to talk about the weather.
Awkward silence?
Me: ‘Hasn’t the weather been lovely lately?!.

3. Sorry.
Me: ‘Ops, I am Sorry for bumping into you…. Sorry that you bumped into me…. Sorrrrrrry, can you just GET OUT OF MY WAAAAY?.
Oh yeah, true London style you always finish the sentence by adding a please and thank you just to complete your total passive aggressive approach.

4. Weird is normal.
Folks walking around with multi coloured hair, goths, punk rockers, same sex relationships… oh, who cares… People who stare? Get over it.

5. Half your salary goes on rent.
Yep, we all know the feeling too well. As soon as pay day comes we are rich for a total of half a second. Then off it goes to pay for that box room in a house where you live with 10 other people who you have no idea what their names are! But, you do know that they don’t clean the bathroom or empty the bin. Lazy bastards.

6. Our life depends on public transport.
Oh, and how we have worked HARD to figure out all those short cuts AND where exactly those carriage doors open on the platform to give us a higher chance of grabbing a seat as soon as those dam doors open. Got to be ruthless for that seat. It’s a dog eat dog world out there.

7. Luggage getting in the way.
Tutting under your breath at people who place their luggage anywhere BUT the designated luggage area… OR EVEN WORSE is people who place their luggage on the actual seats. OI MATE seats are for people.. I love that smug feeling standing over the seat looking at that bag then its owner like ‘LADY move your bag (pleaseee)’ while they looking at you like ‘Where am I meant to put it?’…. mmm mate, aint my problem.

8. Priority seating.
IF you choose to sit in that priority seating area. Let me remind you it says ‘Priority for the ELDERLY, KIDS, PEOPLE LESS ABLE TO STAND AND PREGNANT WOMEN’.
So give that seat to that pregnant lady or that elderly person you selfish prick. Don’t pretend to be sleeping I know you saw them.

9. How annoying it is when people don’t move down the carriage.
ME: ‘Excuse meeee? Can you move downnnnn pleaseeee?!!.
YES, I am that’s agitated commuter who is more than happy to yell passive aggressively at those selfish commuters who pretend they had no idea they had all that space available. JENNY suddenly turns around like ‘Who me?’.. YES, you Jenny move your ass down.

10. Underground etiquette…
BASIC COMMON SENSE:
·        When the tube is filled with people IE at rush hour. Why don’t you give people more space by taking off that BACKPACK. Idiot.
·        When the doors open, why don’t you calm your eager ass down and let those people off first before stampeding on to the carriage.
·        Just a little piece of friendly advice… maybe rush hour isn’t the best place to BLOODY READ YOUR NEWSPAPER and have it opened out at full spread.
·        When using the escalators: STAND on the right and WALK on the left.

11. The main method of staying in touch with friends is through social media or whatsapp.
Person: ‘Ill CALL you later!!?’
Me: ‘CALL??? Nah, don’t you mean a whatspp voice message??’
Like who calls anymore?! God forbid we have a conversation where we have to commit 5minutes of our day to talk. Just message me and I will message you back like 48 hours later or when I have nothing else better to do.
FYI I personally hate that. I saw you read my message so MESSAGE ME BACK you prick. Don’t give me that poor excuse of lack of time when all the while you have posted 5 stories on Instagram and liked numerous funny videos of Facebook. Your not busy… your just a crap friend.

12. On nights out you stash a pair of ballerinas in your bag.
Allow those achy feet at the end of the night. I am just not gangster enough to pain through an entire night in heels and you wont find me at MY AGE walking the streets of London barefoot.

13. You’re not foolish enough to go to Oxford Street on a Saturday. Enough said.

14. The pain you suffer handing nearly £5 for your favourite Soy Chai Latte.
Oh, not to mention why is there a 50p extra charge for Soy? Don’t you think £4.50 is extortionate enough?!.. No? Alright then.

15. Kissing your teeth when you hear your tube service is delayed because someone decided to throw themselves onto the tracks.
I am terribly sorry that life must be bad to do such a thing but DUDE your ruining my day by making me late for my brunch date and handing over £5 for my favourite Chai Latte.

16. Spending £50 on your food shop in Tesco then it only lasts you 2 days. Like WTF?!

17. There is ALWAYS a nosy JENNY on the tube who thinks just coz she sits next to you she somehow has gained the right to read your book…. Or read the text your typing on whatsapp… MIND YOUR BEES WAX JENNY.

18.  You want to start Yoga and you totally became a yogi but then your month free trial finished and you realised you don’t have £150 for the monthly membership…Shit!

19.  You cant help but giggle every time you hear tourists pronounce ‘LEI-CES-TER Square’, ‘Hole-born’ OR ‘SOUTH-WARK’. Awww Cute.

20.  That you might never buy a place of your own.
Anyone would think I am asking for a mansion. But a 2 bed flat with some outdoor space would apparently set me back half a million. Crap!…. Living with 10 others it is then.

21.  The minute the sun comes out its time to get half naked and head to the park.
We might not have a beach but we know how to pimp out a day in the park.

22. That 80% of your friends are foreign.
Finding London peeps born and bred is like looking for a needle in a hay stack.

23. That London weather likes to keep you on your toes.
Be prepared for all seasons in one day and wear layers so your prepared to show some skin but then 10 minutes later your ready for a monsoon or a hail storm.

24. Sleep is important and you can maximise this by doing your make up on the tube.
Before you say ANYTHING I am that girl. LOL

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