STAGES OF GRIEVING: MONTH ONE
So when someone dies I had no idea the whirlwind I was about to be sucked into. Funeral arrangements, probates, cremations, consulate visits just to name a few of the things that you need to do. Every free second you have is literally taken up by ‘stuff’ that you need to do and you literally do not have a single minute to even sit down and shed a tear.
Its go, go, go and god forbid you shed a tear in the fear of having a breakdown and then not being unable to face the LONG LIST of important things that you need to do. Holy shit you NEED to have your shit together otherwise who else is going to get it all done?!! These things are serious ‘adult duties’ that surely I don’t need to do. I had to deal with a lot and the most of it being in Italian with Italian guess what…. NOT being my first language. I remember breaking down in the Notary office feeling totally overwhelmed with the amount of responsibility I now had inherited.
The first month you don’t even begin to grieve. Your totally in denial and honestly you are in survival mode and if you can just make it through the day your doing ok.
The amount of messages I received of condolences and friends saying they are here for me. I feel very lucky and extremely thankful for the amount of people that did reach out. I have to say some people that I expected more from let me down and others rose up out the ground from nowhere and brought me love, happiness and support out of no where. Even if you don’t know what to say. Let me tell you even saying ‘I don’t know what to say, but I am thinking of you’. That is enough.
I feel bad to say but I didn’t reply to a lot of people. I know I did eventually but I didn’t know what to say at first and sometimes even now I still don’t. Its like, how do you tell people you literally feel like your dying inside, without being too dramatic of course. Or when people check up on you and all you still have to say is ‘yep, I am still miserable thanks’.
With all the adult duties that were taking up my time, in a way it was a relief because I didn’t want to deal with all the emotions I had accumulated because god knows what I got trapped in there. I remember I didn’t even cry when I got the news my dad past way. It seemed like an out of body experience. All the things I was doing seemed like I was doing it for someone else not for the fact that my dad had just died.
A friend sent me this which shows the stages of the grief cycle. I can totally relate to shock and denial… oh, and totally anger! I would get angry because I would remember my dad PROMISING me that he would not leave me….. (even typing and re reading this makes my eyes well up with tears)
I have moments when I think ‘Shit, he isn’t coming back’ then BOOM…. a flood of tears out of no where. I can honestly say the first month feels like a dream and I’am absolutely sure my dad will walk through that front door at any minute and I will run up to him and say ‘Papa, that was one sick joke’. I would say when I wasn’t doing adult stuff all I wanted to do was be alone…. or in bed. I am lucky to say I have amazing friends that would get me out the house. Get me to go rock climbing or take me out for lunch or dinner (eating is my favourite past time).
I know my stress levels hit an all time high and I started loosing hair and not to mention weight. I have always struggled with my weight and I seem to loose 10,000 calories per thought which some might say ‘your lucky’ but when your trying your whole life to maintain your weight and gain rather than loose those precious pounds you worked so hard to put on it does hit your self esteem. In all honesty I feel like I have aged 20 years and went from 32 to 52 years old.
I don’t know if anyone is actually reading this but I hope that you read this knowing you are not on your own. People say it gets better… but I am not quite there yet.
To read more about what plans I got brewing for South East Asia just click here.